Fanfiction Authoress
by TheAmazingAuthoress
Summary: Traveling to the Star Wars universe and back is just part of Joanfenny's job as a Fanfiction Authoress; even if it means fighting Darth Vader, dealing with her annoying cat, and taking notes at the same time. (You try writing notes while lightsaber dueling.)
1. Chapter 1

Fanfiction Authoress

Chapter 1

 **Authoess' note: Greeting, fellow Stargeeks! This is my first Fanfiction that I am publishing online. It's a relatively short one, only three chapters, but it's an introduction of a larger story I'm writing called** _ **A Writer's mind to Jedi Knights, Wizards, Cookies, and Craziness.**_ **It's a Comedy/Parody/Adventure story of what it means to have a love for fandom and an active imagination.**

 **Just for the record, Orio's name is pronounced "Oreo," but when I first created him (when I was, like, ten), I seriously thought Oreo was spelled with an "i", so the name "Orio" stuck.**

 **Orio, my fur-ball friend, will you do the honor of saying the first disclaimer?**

 **Orio: Why can't you do it?**

 **Authoress: Because I'm in the middle of getting Kylo Ren out of my alligator trap.**

 **Orio: Fine… Joanfenny Kenobi (or the Authoress, take your pick) does not own Star Wars, Ultron, the Avengers, Sauron's Ring (thank gosh),** _ **Home One,**_ **Chocolate, or a bus, but for some reason owns me. Weird.**

"See, I told you the ship Home One existed." Joanfenny Kenobi exclaimed to her friend Orio the cat. The duo had been arguing at Joan's house about whether or not Home One was really a rebel ship or something Joan made up, so she used her Authoress powers to teleport the two of them to Admiral Akbar's vessel. No one had paid them much attention, despite the fact that talking cats and crazy authoress' weren't common in their universe.

"Well, it might only be in the Legends." Orio hissed. One of the things Orio really hated (besides paper plates) was being wrong.

"Haven't you seen Return of the Jedi? This ship was, or in this case will be, at the Battle of Endor."

Orio sighed, collapsing in defeat on Joan's shoulder, muttering something about "pesty Ewoks." As Joan began observing some flashy button on the white wall, a young blond-haired rebel appeared from around the corner and collided with the two Earthlings. Contents from Joan's backpack spewed all over the polished floor.

"Hey, watch it!" Joan snapped as she collected her things. "You nearly broke my wand."

The rebel attempted to help the Authoress gather her belongings. "Sorry, I—Joanfenny?"

When Joan got a clear view of the man's face, she beamed. "Luke Skywalker! I haven't seen you since I was entranced by Empire Strikes Back. I was trapped in that book for a week."

"That's what happens when you read a book that gets you exited, all while using your Authoress wand." Orio murmured, brushing dust off his fur in an irritated manner.

Joan stared at her wand. It didn't look like much; it was just sparkly purple and glowed slightly. But without it, she wouldn't be able to travel to the fandom worlds. It was tucked up her sleeve when she was reading Empire, and had she soon found herself trapped in the book. The only way she could get out was by going through the entire story.

Luke chuckled. "Yeah, you really surprised Vader when you jumped out of the shadows and sprayed him with that whipped stuff. What's it called again?"

"Whipped cream. I gotta say, it's not the first time I've been hooked on a book, but literally being sucked into one was kinda new. I'll be sure not to have my wand with me when I read The Hunger Games."

While the two of them struggled to stuff Joan's black-liquorish bow into her bag, Luke asked, "So, here for Authoress business?"

"Not this time, Orio and I were having a quarrel about this ship's existence, so I decided to take a little trip."

"Oh, well, how's your work coming along?"

Joan rolled her eyes and sighed. "Slow. My parents want me to get a job, but no one will hire me…"

"I meant your writing. How is it?" Luke pressed. "Have any stories finished yet?"

Joan shook her head. "They're all disorganized. I can come up with plots, but beginning and ends are so hard. My trouble with grammar doesn't help. Not to mention most of the stuff I design are fanfics."

Luke gave Joan a sympathetic pat on the shoulder. "You're still learning, just like I'm learning how to be a Jedi. Those things take time and practice."

An eardrum-shattering alarm went off throughout the entire ship, red lights blanketing the hallways in a scarlet glow. The sudden noise made Orio screech with terror and leap into Joan's backpack. A female voice from the speakers began commanding people to the X-wings and Y-wings.

"The Empire's found us!" Luke shouted over the noise. Turning to Joan, he said, "You need to leave now!"

While everyone on the ship was white with fright, Joan's face glowed with excitement. "Are you kidding me? I'm not leaving! This battle might give me some ideas."

"But what if you're killed, or worse, captured?"

"Luke, I can't die in these universes remember? I'm from reality. And why is being captured worse? I can torture the Stormtroopers with Orio's singing."

"Hey!" Orio hissed from the bag.

"Well, for one thing, you could be interrogated by Darth Vader." Luke stated gravely.

Joan was about to make a snarky reply when Leia Organa ran to the group. "Luke, we need you to—oh, hey Joan, here for Authoress business?"

Joan's temperamental expression changed to a grinned. "I am now." She pulled a mini notebook from her pocket, and started writing things down using her wand as a pen. "Mind if I survey the battle for ideas?"

"I don't think that's a good idea, Vader's Tie just landed in hanger B4. Luke, we need to do evacuations now." The princess stated.

"Your Highness," purred Joan, "I'm a fanfiction authoress, and the reason why I come to this world is to get ideas from situations like this. If Vader finds me, fine. His reaction may give me hints on his personality."

"I don't think you want to know Vader's personality." Leia retorted.

"Yes I do. I'm working on a semi-crossover right now, and Vader's a main character."

"Semi-crossover?" Luke queried.

"It's hard to explain. Anyway, my point is that coming here is part of my job as an authoress, so I'm not leaving."

The twins stared at each other, then at Joan. Finally, Leia said, "Alright, but I'm warning you Joanfenny, _do not_ let Vader get your wand."

"Don't worry." Joan said. Tapping her wand a few times, it transformed into an ordinary pen. "Ok, let's go."

 **Authoress' note: Well? Whatya think?! Was it Awesome? Was it everything you hoped it would be? Do you want more? Or is it so terrible that you want to throw rotten pies at me? Please like and review, but no flames… if you want Kylo here to live! (Evil snicker)**

 **Kylo: Why me?!**

 **Joanfenny: Cause you tried to steal my Swedish fish, that's why!**

 **Orio: And you killed Han.**

 **Kylo: I only impaled him! Would you rather have me chop off his arms and legs and leave him to die on a lava bed?**

 **Joanfenny proceeds to whack him with her bat.**


	2. The Day Darth Vader was zapped

Chapter 2

 **Authoress' note: Think I'd be gone forever, did you? Well I, Joanfenny Kenobi, has returned!**

 **Orio: Someone's had strait sugar this morning.**

 **Joanfenny: Quiet you! Anyway, a thanks goes to Kondoru for being my first reviewer. Apparently no one else bothered to review. How sad. Hey Luke, can you say the disclaimer?**

 **Luke: We're about to go fight Vader and you want me to do a** _ **disclaimer?!**_

 **Joanfenny: It'll only take two seconds!**

 **Katniss Everdeen: Oh, for crying out loud! Joanfenny does not own Star Wars, The Avengers, Ducky Momo, Ego, the Hunger Games, JK Rowling, her brothers, a dead squirrel, but she does own Orio.**

 **Joanfenny, Orio, and Luke: …Where did you come from?**

Leia had gone off to help with the evacuations, so Luke, Joan, and Orio headed to hanger B4 to stall Vader. The Star Wars sound track played through the speakers, adding intensity to the situation. One thing Joan learned from hanging out with the rebels is that they always play John Williams whenever there was a battle. And when they run out of John Willaims (depending on how long the battle is) they play Ducky Momo. They used to play the Avengers theme song because it's cool, but then Tony Stark threatened to sue them, so now they play Ducky Momo.

Orio poked his head out of Joan's backpack. "Does Vader have any personal issues against cats?"

"I… don't know?" Luke guessed.

The black-and-white fur-ball grinned. "Well, he will after this." He disappeared into the bag and a sound that resembled a chainsaw came from within. Luke gave Joan a skeptical look, who only grinned back at him. "Luke, mi amigo, you should know by now that Orio isn't your average kitten."

"Why do you even hang out with him? He seems more annoying than helpful."

"Well, for one, I'm his creator. Second, we have fun annoying each other and other people. Lastly, he's good at getting me out of pickles."

"Yup, there was one time a pickle monster attacked Joan while she was dreaming and I—"

"That's not what I meant." Joan snapped.

The trio finally reached their destination… only to find it completely deserted. Save for one lone Tie-fighter Advanced sitting innocently in the hanger. It was so quiet you could hear a flea fart. There were no signs of the Dark Lord of the freakin' Sith.

Joan tapped her chin. "Where do you think he is? In the bathroom?"

Luke looked at Joan. "Why the heck would he be in the bathroom?"

Joan shrugged. "He's still human, sort of."

While Luke gagged, Orio peeked out of the bag; a mysterious brown stain was on one cheek. "Well, this is certainly out of Vader's normal behavior."

Luke cleared his throat. "Yeah, Vader should have sensed I was coming, so he'd be waiting for me."

"Maybe he sensed me too." Joan guessed. Many fandom villains had learned the hard way not to mess with the Authoress. Whenever she'd come, it was a fight or flight for the evildoers.

Luke cautiously approached the ship. There didn't seem to be any traps, but then again traps are meant to be well hidden. I mean, if the traps weren't hidden, then they wouldn't make very good traps…

"Stephanie, could you keep it down? I'm trying to find my lightsaber." Joan mumbled to the Narrator. She was digging into her pocket, only to pull out things like loose change and old tic-tacs. She was wearing her magic pants today, which had very deep pockets.

"Are you talking to that voice inside your head again?" Luke asked. The young Jedi was circling the ship, still not seeing any Sith crazies.

"What? Oh, yeah…" Joan flipped through her notebook until she found one page where she wrote as a reminder: _Even though I'm the Authoress, I'm not the narrator for any of my adventures. The Narrator is Scéalaí, but I never call her that because I can't pronounce it. She's just a voice inside my head, and one of the few voices I have that are sane. I can't narrate because I'll start rabbling on about zombie squirrels or picture frames. So whenever I have an adventure in Realm Fiction, Scéalaí does the narrating. Now, the possibility of a zombie squirrel invasion is higher in America than in China because America…_

A loud buzzing sound filled the air, interrupting Joan from her reading. Looking at Luke, the Authoress noticed that Luke had his hand on Vader's ship, and blue electricity was racing through his body. Looks like this was Vader's trap.

"Hang on Luke!" Joan whipped out her pen-wand. With a blast of purple energy, Luke was freed from the current. Unfortunately he passed out from the shock.

"Vader must know Luke too well." Joan noted, seeing how cunningly the trap was placed.

"He is my son, Authoress." A deep voice hissed from behind. Turning around, Vader stood but ten feet from her, his ignited lightsaber in hand. The ending scene from Rogue One suddenly came to Joan's mind.

"O-O-Oh… Lord Vader. Long time no see." Joan sputtered as she backed up. A feeling of thrill and terror was racing through her veins, similar to the excitement fans would feel whenever the Dark Lord appeared on screen. "Have you managed to get the whipped cream out of your respirator?"

"You will not interfere with Skywalker's capture this time, Kenobi." Vader swung his lightsaber at Joan. Joan dodged and tapped her wand. It illusion as a pen was replaced with one of a violet lightsaber. She had a green lightsaber, but it was still buried in her pocket. While Luke had been given her some training in lightsaber skills, Vader was almost two feet taller.

"That wand can do no harm to me." Vader boomed as he stuck Joan's saber.

"It can't kill you, but it doesn't mean it can't hurt you." The wand of the Authoress had few limits, but no killing was one of them.

The skilled Sith Lord and the amateur Authoress battled in the hanger. When Joan had a free hand, she gave her notebook to Orio. "Take notes for me, will ya?" She yelled.

Orio whipped out a spare pen from the bag. "What do you want me to write?"

"Write 'Vader' at the top of the page. Then write, 'speaks formally, gets right to the point, and is a man of a few words.'"

"I speak more than Boba Fett." Vader snapped. He used the Force or hurl Joan into the wall. Orio managed to jump out of the backpack just in time so Joan wouldn't flatten him. Unfortunately his head landing right into a pipe tube on the ground. Hot pain roared through Joan as she struggled to stand. "This is the part of the battle when the villain makes a speech." She mumbled.

"Your powers are weak, young one. You are not an Authoress; you are just a child with a pen. Despite what you have managed to do in this Realm, it will not help you anywhere in your world." Vader snarled as he stepped closer.

Joan wheezed. "Orio, scratch the 'man of a few words.'"

"Sure, just as soon as I get out of this." Orio's voice echoed through the pipe. As he swung his head back and forth, the weight of the pipe caused him to lose balance and he fell awkwardly on his front paws.

Joan directed her attention to the Sith, "You better not talk like that to me, just because I'm not a professional like J. K. Rowling doesn't mean I'm not an Authoress. I can still smother you in apple pie and cupcakes."

"Desserts do not intimidate me." Vader hissed.

A groan came from the Tie, and the Authoress, Sith Lord, and pipe tube cat turned to see a static-haired Luke rubbing his eyes. "Wha happened…?" He slurred.

While Vader was momentarily distracted, Joan slipped off her backpack and searched for whatever Orio was building. The only thing that Joan had never seen before was a small brown ray-gun. Pointing it at Vader, she fired. The Sith Lord brought up his lightsaber to block the attack, only for the saber to turn into chocolate. Dark Chocolate, to be precise.

"What?" Vader yelled in outrage.

"Behold, my chocolate-inator!" Orio bellowed. With one final tug he freed himself from the pipe, only to sling-shot himself into the fire alarm. Red sirens screamed through the hanger as the sprinklers went off.

"Are we on Kamino?" Luke mumbled. He struggled to stand, but instead he stumbled like a drunken man.

Even though Vader lacked his lightsaber, it did not mean he wasn't dangerous. The Dark Lord loomed towards the Authoress, but Joan didn't hesitate to act. A purple laser blasted from the wand, and Vader disappeared.

"You killed him!" Orio exclaimed.

"No," Joan said coolly, blowing the tip of her wand. "I just teleported him."

"To where?" Luke asked, rubbing his poor head.

Joan grinned, showing her teeth. "Like I'm going to tell."

As the trio trekked to the bridge to report that Vader "left," Joan was writing down some final notes in her notebook. "Man, this stuff I really going to help me with my mini crossover."

"What's the crossover?" Luke asked, his hair still static.

"It's about how I first got here, duh! You know, crashing on Ego, having a prank war, egging Palpatine's mansion, and of course there's Blaze."

"Don't forget about the time we escaped from Panem." Orio piped in.

The trio laughed until their lungs hurt. "Oh my gosh, I loved it when you hypnotized Kylo Ren to sing and dance." Luke snickered.

Joan sighed with content. "Orio and I should be getting back. I'm babysitting tonight and my brothers can't keep the younger siblings under control."

"Well, I guess I'll see you around, Joanfenny." Luke gave a lopsided grin. "Thanks for saving me back there."

"Thanks for the opportunity. Wait, Orio, how did you invent the inator in my backpack?"

Orio smiled. "I have a whole workshop in your bag, Joan."

 **Authoress' note: I want to know three thing:**

 **1) Do you think this is funny?**

 **2) It is decently written, or do I need to work on that?**

 **3) Should I shave Kylo Ren's hair?**

 **Kylo: NOOOOOO!**

 **Joanfenny: Hey, Katnip, can you say the review thing?**

 **Katniss: So yeah, if you love this story, you will review.**

 **Orio: That's it?**

 **Luke: Let me try, REVIEW OR ELSE WE'LL TAR AND FEATHER MY NEPHEW!**

 **Everyone else: O_o**

 **Joanfenny: But seriously, reviews are food for the soul.**


	3. The Million Drummie Question

Chapter 3

 **(Sigh…) Even insane Authoress' need to come home to dinner. My parent's reaction to me asking for a Fanfiction account was "Maybe" or "We'll see." This went on for two years, until finally I asked my dad when he was a good mood. He said, "Sure, I'm fine with it." And my reaction was similar to mine here. And just for the record, my brother's name isn't Mike.**

 **Oh, and thank you CaptainSammyAngel for Favoriting (is that a word) my story. Virtual Root Beer all around!**

 **Orio: Hey, Joanfenny, you're alligator trap just went off.**

 **Joanfenny: Oh! Who's caught in it?!**

 **Orio: Candace Flynn.**

 **Joanfenny: Augh! Candace, stay away from my Mr. Sparkles! (Runs off to save her Alligator)**

 **Luke: She named your alligator Mr. Sparkles?**

 **Orio: They first met when he was eating Edward.**

 **Luke: Ok… Well… Joanfenny doesn't own anything except Orio, and a pack of gum.**

 **Joanfenny (Of in the distance): Stop biting my nose!**

"How was your day?" Joan's mother asked while they all sat at the dinner table. Joan, as well as her parents and five siblings, were all eating her dad's famous smoked dummies. Joan's real cats, Catnip and Prim, were by Joan's legs under the table, waiting for her to smuggle some meat for them. Joan normally would be happy to feed her felines, but teleporting through fictional Realms can real work up one's appetite.

"It was low key." Joan said _. I got into a fight with my cat, and then traveled to the Home One and saw Luke._

"Oh? How so?"

"Nothing happened. Just a lame old Saturday." _I fought Darth Vader and saved the day._ "What about you guys?"

"The lunch was nice, your father here fell on the cherry pie they had and…"

"Pssst."

Joan looked around, her mother's voice drowning out. Who said that?

"Psssst… Authoress, over here." Joan looked over to the kitchen counter to find Orio eating one of the dummies. When he swallowed, he purred, "The Avengers need your help. Apparently Ultron has gotten a hold of Sauron's ring." For some odd reason, he was wearing a fake white mustache.

Using her wand under the table, Joan sent out a mental link, _"As much as I'd love to, I can't leave the table. We both know my family thinks this imagination stuff is—_

"Are you fading off at the dinner table?" Joan's mom asked sternly, her brown eyes growing hard.

Joan shook her head. "What? No."

"Then what was I talking about?"

Joan paled. "Uh—"

"She was telling how your dad fell into the cherry pie and everyone thought he was bleeding." Orio said, who apparently had been listening.

"Everyone thought dad was bleeding because he fell into cherry pie."

Her mother's face brightened. "Good, you know I hate it when you zone off."

Orio coughed. "Sauron's ring?"

 _"Later."_ Joan sent. She couldn't go to the Realms of Imagination now, not while she's eating. Orio huffed and took another bite of chicken.

As the family talk roamed on, Joan's heart began to quicken. There was something she had been meaning to ask her parents for a while. She always hated asking these types of questions, to her they appeared silly. "So mom, I asked a while back if I could set up a Fanfiction account, you guys said you'd think about it."

Mom sighed. "This is your father's issue, not mine."

"Dad?" Joan asked hopefully.

Her father looked up from his salad. "What exactly would you write about?"

 _Action, Drama, Adventure, Comedy, Horror, Family!_ "You know, funny fandom stories that I make up."

"You really love Star Wars, don't you?" Her oldest brother, Mike, said.

 _YES! The excitement, the lightsabers, the space battles!_ "Yeah, it's pretty cool." _Although Kylo Ren is a jerk._

"Look, we'll see, ok?" Dad said, resuming to his salad.

Joan retained a growl. That's what they said when she begged them to let her read The Hunger Games. Eventually Joan just picked up the novel and started reading without her parent's consent, and it wasn't until she was halfway through Catching Fire when they caught her. Setting up an online account was different than reading a story, though.

Joan took a deep breath to keep her anger from rising. Anger lead to the Dark Side, and the most idiotic thing Joan could do was release the Dark Side on her parents. "Look, you guys say that every time I ask. Can I set one up, yes or no?"

Her parents looked at each other, then back at her. Yawning, her father said, "Alright, just don't friend anyone you don't know."

"That's Facebook." Mom said.

"Yes!" Joan screamed jumping from her chair. The chair skitted a few feet behind her before collapsing. Orio snickered.

"My own account! Steve, can you believe it? I'll be able to write and publish stories online! I can finally write about that time when Luke, Rey, and I escaped from Panem's Capital." Joanfenny was at the Avengers tower explaining the news to Steve Rogers and Tony Stark.

Tony chuckled. "Oh yeah, that was on live television. Saw the whole thing. Seeing Ultron suck his thumb was hilarious."

Steve grinned. "Remember when Bucky was singing and dancing with you three? I thought that was great."

Joan laughed at that memory, but then her giggles were replaced by a more stoic expression. "It's just… here's the thing. What if I turn out as one of those lame Fanfic writers that nobody will read? What if my stories are so bad I'll get nothing but flames?" Joan recalled the time a classmate ripped up a piece of fiction work she did. It was a good thing Orio wasn't a real cat, or he would have torn that kid's face off.

"No one's perfect on the first try, unless they're really lucky. When I was first building my suit I fell on a car and later nearly froze to death. That didn't stop me from becoming the great Iron Man you see now, did it?" Tony said as he poured some root beer into his glass (alcohol around Joan is a bad idea).

Joan shook her head. "I suppose not."

Steve cleared his throat. "What Tony here's saying is that at this point in time you're still learning. You're going to mess up, you're going to get flames, and you're going to feel like you can never be a good Authoress, but that's just the bumps on the road. If you put your mind to it, you might become as famous as Suzanne Collins."

"Who?" Tony asked.

Steve gave Tony a perplexed expression. "Wow, I know something about our pop-culture that you don't. That's incredible."

"I get you're point, Cap. I can't let my fears hold me back. If I get flames, I'll drench them in lemonade." Joan smiled. "You know, funny thing happened to Luke and me earlier today, I can use that as an intro to my account. I wonder if Vader's arrived at his teleportation destination—"

Suddenly there came a loud thud from the roof, followed by Huttese swearing. "Oh, there he is." Joan chirped.

 **Joanfenny, wearing a party hat: At last, my own account! Let's party! Oh, and hears a question: Who is Orio referencing when he's wearing the mustache?**

 **(All the main heroes in Star Wars, Marvel, Hunger Games, and Lord of the rings hit the dance floor. Kylo Ren runs past Joan screaming about lobsters.)**

 **Joanfenny: Do you think I should do a Reylo?**

 **Rey: NOOOO!**

 **Orio: If you liked the story, let us know. If not, don't let us know. And if you see Deadpool covered in Tar and Feather, YOU NEVER SAW ANY OF US!**


End file.
